brokenness.

"Mercy has a cost: Someone must be broken for someone else to be fed." -Jen Hatmaker, Interrupted

in college, i would sit in a coffee shop with my friends and dream up about what the church should be like and how to live it out.  the conversation always went down the social justice road.

now that i spend most of my time volunteering for Hope Ranch, taking care of the sick at my work, and being blessed by the homeless kids at Hosea, i'm in pretty deep and loving living out the social justice aspect that i've always dreamed of.  it's just the heart that the Lord has given me and I LOVE it.  jesus really meets me in those places.

but there is still something wrong.  i was talking to my best friend, Amanda, on the phone the other day (she is the other half of my brain -  no joke).  the Lord has been showing me how prideful I am.

I mean this is about to get really really ugly, friends...

me: "amanda, i just don't understand how pastors can think they are actually living out the bible... i mean, all they focus on are christians and being out of debt and owning a big house and having a bible study and a bbq with the people who have been members for 30 years...  but the heart of God is social justice!"

amanda:  "no, ky. the heart of God is salvation.  it's being broken from sin.  it's grace."


me: silence.  oh my God, i am completely missing the point. she is right.


i really wish I was kidding.  that these thoughts didn't go through my head.

i've also been caring more about what others think than what God thinks.  i've been worried about people judging my salvation because i hang out with this person and go to this pub and i say these words.

me actually questioning the place the the Lord has put me because i am worried about whether or not someone will think i'm a believer...  that people are judging the outcomes of my harvest.  that people see the homeless  guy i just gave money to tripping on 5th street.  that people think that my words and counseling have helped 'her' make the bad decisions she's making.

see where i'm going with this?  why do i care what others are thinking and saying?  because i want to be liked.  i want people to think i'm awesome.  P.R.I.D.E.

but it's not about me.  it's about Him.  and His glory.

this post is getting long, but stick with me for a minute...


i think we are called to brokenness.  i don't ever want to think that i have earned my salvation.  i want to remember that it's by grace i've been saved through faith, not by works... so that no one can boast.  i believe that grace is the only thing i have.  i always want to feel the brokenness.  i want to be humble and at the bottom.  i don't want to be on top or in the spot light.  i realize how much i need him.  and how much of a freaking prideful sinner i am.  i hate it.

i'm reading "Interrupted" by Jen Hatmaker right now, and she's helping me sort through some things...

jesus was broken for our sins.  in the last supper, he broke bread with his disciples saying, this is my body, broken for you.  eat.

his death has given us life.

lastly, i just want to share this verse with you. "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.  so then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you." 2 corinthians 4:10-12

and here it is, friends...

Death in me = life in you.

Broken so someone else is fed.

"Feed my lambs."

we're called to brokenness.  it's the cost of mercy.  so that the lambs can be fed and have life.

brokenness is what i long for.

and there is beauty in brokenness.

"Brokenness Aside" All Sons & Daughters

We've been singing this song a lot at Ekklesia and Beautiful Mess.  It is my heart right now.

been busy

we've had my in-laws here for the last 2 weeks.  it was awesome.  i love them.  i love family.  it was great.

and what has been overtaking my life?  every moment that i'm not working, i am working on pharmacology homework.  who would have thought that it would still be so challenging even after working in a pharmacy for 3 years.

it really hasn't been that glamorous.  this was just the most pleasant day of studying that i'd had in a while!

2 more weeks of class.  i will try and post more!

radio

Diana and I were interviewed on a local radio show on Friday.  If you want to listen click here.  we are the Hope Ranch show.  The Real Ladies talk for about 20 minutes, then there is a commercial break and Diana and I are then interviewed.  Let me know what you think if you listen!

(Source: Hope Ranch)

hey baby, let's go to vegas.

so i had this crazy idea.  and i'm asking you to join me.  the most i have ever run is 4.6 miles in my best friend's neighborhood.  but i am thinking about whipping myself into shape to run my first half marathon...

is a half marathon in Vegas on December 2nd.  it is targeting the party life, have sex, drink and be merry.  just the place we need to go and take some light.


so here is my crazy idea,  get as many people together as possible and all run the half or full marathon together wearing matching tshirts educating our fellow runners and audience about sex trafficking.  little boys and girls, men and women are being sold 1 mile from the same strip we'll be running on.  let's take a stance.  let's show them there is a way out and there are people on their side.  let's make the news and tell the world we will not stand for this.  please, think about running this with me.

here are some ideas for tshirts...

perspective

the statistic is 300,000 children are sex-trafficked in the united states.  i can guarantee you that it's way more than that.  especially with some of the people that i talk to who have never reported it.  that statistic is incredibly low.  so i just wanted to put this into perspective for you.  

it would take 3 ohio state football stadiums to hold the number of children currently being trafficked in the united states.  read the previous sentence again.  and that is only counting the statistic.  the capacity of the buckeye stadium is 102, 329 people.  wow.

that is 300, 000 children being bought and sold for sex 10-20 times a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  and that doesn't include the one's who got into the life at 13 years old and just turned, 18 years old - legal age. 

guys, we are seriously facing a modern day holocaust.  and most people don't know about it or don't want to know about it.  

do something now.  please, for the love of God.  Do Something.

at every red light you stop at,  pray for the red light district.  educate your friends and family.  give.  pray.  and love your neighbor.

hood

if you come visit us and fly into PDX, you get to see this pretty site.  i've seen it almost every time i fly back!  Mount Hood.  and you can kind of see Mount St. Helen's in the background as well.  Both active volcanoes.  kind of exciting!  some of the most beautiful places are here.  come out and see us!

one of my favorite things...

when i act goofy, i talk in a southern accent.  it's a habit, thanks to erin elizabeth.  that's just how we've talked to each other since 4th grade.  "i'm I-talian, i take a hog to the fair (hick accent) hahaha.  anyway,  this is one of my favorite things about ohio.  when the storms come in.

the air cools off, it gets really windy and it smells like rain.  i just LOVE it!  here you go...

NATA

paul was in the national athletic training association journal.  oh. my. gosh.

he is the one on the very left with the blonde wig!  hahaha!  can you believe that this is how he appears in his professional magazine.  i love it!  maybe it will help him land a job next year!?  what do you think?

here is the post i blogged all about the O-lympics!  enjoy!

i got a job

birthday gifts

i just want to share with you how AWESOME my birthday was this year.  i was so worried that it was going to be the worst birthday of my life since i'm so far away from everyone that i know and love.  let me just tell you, it was a GREAT birthday!  i had approximately 6 packages in the mail.

i received so many beautiful cards that made my heart squeeze so tight because i was so excited.

the knapps sent me some good madcap. yum.

mom and dad sent me a whole bunch of goodies.

amanda sent me a bottle of wine.

amers and molly sent me the most beautiful yarn wreath and most exciting birthday mail package i've ever gotten.  it had molly's stickers all over it!

and chels sent me a GORGEOUS apron that i am loving to cook in!

my wreath.  i have to display it in my living room!

apron that hangs on display in my kitchen when it's not on me while i cook.

my camera was dead when everything came, so this is from paul's blackberry.  coffee, wine, i'm borrowing mom and dads gps, turbo tax, and she sent me some oil of oregano - a great thing for me since i'm allergic to antibiotics!

a taste of the beautiful box molly and amers sent.  i wanted to show you all of it, but i don't want you to see their address... no no no.   gotta protect my molly girl. :)

THANK YOU for an amazing birthday.

narnia?

our grass is super green here.  it stays super green all winter long.  which is pretty awesome.  the flowers have been blooming for over a month now.  but we had a bit of snow.  it hasn't snowed like this in years, i guess.  it's hilarious.  we got maybe 6 inches and the entire city shut down. and no one knows how to drive in the snow here.  anyway, just wanted to share this photo from yesterday.  it is so beautiful.  it reminds me of Narnia.

she's coming!

i have a best friend.  and she's coming to see me.  it couldn't be more perfect timing because hubby has to travel with the baseball team that week.  


let me just tell you... she is the most incredible woman that you will EVER meet.  you can read a little bit about her heart here.  her name is amanda.  i call her loty girl.  do not call her mandy. no sir, she does not like that.  she is my david and i am her jonathan.  


she is coming in just a few days.  and i need to share a little secret with you.  i have been counting them down, one by one.

yep that would be a paper chain.  you tear a ring off one day at a time.

you may think it's weird or unhealthy, i don't know.  i just need her in my life.  i honestly don't think i could live without her.  she is literally my left brain - or my right brain - whichever side is better, that is what she is to me.  i don't know if it's good or bad, but it's just the way it is. i'm just telling you the truth.

when i am processing things, i can't do it without her.   i honest-to-God cannot make a judgement or conclusive decision without talking it out with her.  the Lord put her in my life for a reason.  she is my other half.  and i love her deeply.  i would do anything in the world for her.

and when she is driving home late at night, hundreds of miles away from me.  you know what i do?  i worry. i worry that something crazy might happen... i can't even talk about it because i have a big GULP swelling up in my throat just thinking about it.  so, guys, you know what else i do, i pray for her and her safety until i fall asleep.  i don't know what i would do without her.  i don't even want to think about it.

this special girl is coming to see me and my hubby and just a couple of days.  and we are sooo very very excited.  she is more a part of us than she even realizes.  i love you loty girl. get here safely and quickly.  because i hate living without you close by.

grocery carts and parking lots.

can i just tell you something that makes me madder than a hornet?  people in eugene do not know how to take the grocery carts to the shopping cart return.  


they park it right beside your car and it makes me want to punch someone in the face.

see!?!? grrrr.

the closest one is the one in front of my car.  but, do you see the other one between the gold and blue car?!?  seriously? seriously, people?  


and this happens every single time i'm in a parking lot where there are grocery carts. i just don't understand how people can just do that? 

it really pushes my buttons.  is anyone with me?

the line

the 'us' and 'them' line is becoming finer and finer to me.  


all i know is that since i've met 'them'.  my heart is so full.  my cup is overflowing.  and we are one.  it's as if i've waited my whole life to know 'them'  and glorify 'HIM'.  together it is WE.  


Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. ecclesiastes 4:12




and we all have healing to do.  all of us.  the good news is that He is in the business of healing our depravity.




this morning i was reading john 8.  a woman was caught in adultery and the religious leaders brought her to Jesus, saying, "the law of moses commanded us to stone such women. what do you say?"




and jesus bent down and wrote in the dirt with his finger.  and he said "let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her".  and they went away one by one.




i just see jesus drawing a line in the dirt. 




and even the religious leaders can't separate themselves from her.  we are one in the same, friends. 

my friend wrote these lyrics.  and, my oh my, they just captured my heart.  i want to share them with you.

"She has long curly hair that exceeds her back, She has Piercing eyes that set ur soul on fire, She has skin so soft to touch its like milk. She has a face like an angel, She stands tall and always holds her ground BUT WHAT U DO NOT SEE IS... She is SCREAMING FROM THE INSIDE OUT, SHE IS DIEING FROM THE UNWANTED HANDS THAT LAY ON HER EVERY NIGHT, SHE CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP WHILE SHE LAYS IN THE DARKNESS WANTING TO DIE, SHE CLAIMS HELP WILL NEVER COME, SHE CLAIMS THE WORLD WILL REPEATEDLY RAPE HER OVER AND OVER, SHE WALKS AROUND AS IF NOTHING IS HAPPENING, SHE WALKS AROUND AS IF SHE IS OKAY..SHES BEAUTIFUL AND MESMERIZING TO LOOK AT. BUT DO U SEE WHAT I SEE? SHES BROKEN SHES SCREAMS WITH EVERY INCH OF HER BODY? SHE SENDS SIGNALS OF WANTING TO BE HELPED. SHE LOOKS AT YOU IN SUCH A WAY UR HEART BLEEDS FOR HERS..WILL U HELP HER OR WILL YOU RAPE HER OVER AND OVER? "

will you help her?

slavery. still. exists.

even in the land of the free.

(source)

i will make this post short.  there is a great injustice happening right now in our own backyard.  


the facts that we have are just a low estimate that we've concluded.  


27 million slaves in the world today.


1.2 to 1.4 million are Child Sex Slaves.


one quarter of those slaves are our children in the United States - that's 300,000 children... but after researching, there is no way that this number is accurate.  there is way more.  even 1 child being sold for sex is too many.  i encourage you to look it up.


the average age of entering the sex industry is 13 years old.
so even what the world considers of legal age - these women started as a child slave. they are not prostitutes... they are also victims.

here is a video by the A21 campaign with some quick facts

just hit play

and she is right, numbers are desensitizing.  after you meet one victim, your life will be changed forever.  this is real. and it's a problem and it's happening in our own backyard.

it is happening in sleepy Eugene.

pimps are on the prowl, we are a part of the Interstate 5 sex trafficking chain.  i can walk to I-5 from my house.

and it is happening at my home back in ohio.

this is an old video. but has some good resources listed if you want to get involved.

the problem is not getting better.  it is getting worse and worse.  and this weekend is the most profitable day of the year for traffickers - and a day of unfathomable evil for these poor victims.  super bowl sunday.  it's the second busiest trafficking event to the olympics.  start by praying and fasting for these victims on sunday.


we need to save these victims. we need to tell them that they are their creator's masterpiece. that He knew them before they were formed and that he has a purpose for them in life.  and it is not to be used and trafficked.  we need to save them, help them heal and empower them.  


we need to abolish slavery.


we need to increase the punishments for the pimps and the johns (buyers).


and the pimps and the johns need jesus too.

believers - take 20 minutes and watch this video

let's do something now.  let's take our light and shine it in a world of overwhelming darkness and evil.

who is with me?

minority

the more that i talk to women, the more i realize that i am a minority.


the close men to me in my life have loved me unconditionally.  they have empowered me.  they have never used my weaknesses for themselves.


i have never been abused physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally.


thank you Daddy, 


thank you Brother,


thank you HUSBAND.


and thank you close guy friends. 


and thank you JESUS.




Thank you for believing in me, supporting me, and empowering me. thank you for encouraging me and listening to me.  thank you for protecting me and teaching me.






and it's not fair that i am the minority.  every one of us deserves to be loved like this.  and with this blessing of being loved liked this, how can i not use it to love and empower the majority of other women who are victims of abuse.  




we need more men like these men in my life.  you men, are sadly, also a minority.  




let's go out and share this love.  there are so many people in desperate need of it.

O-lympics

the athletic department at U of O holds a fundraiser called the O-lympics.  The Athletic Trainers compete against the athletes in this competition.  There are many different trials including relays, 40 yard dash, tackling the football dummie thingys that the players use in practice, doing a puzzle, flippy cup (with water of course - the athletic trainer's idea to promote hydration), etc.  the athletic trainer's theme was 80s athletes.  

paul is the one in the blonde wig on the left.  these are the people in his cohort/master's program.

see the 'precision line of the sideburn' is what one of the girls commented on. ha!

gross gross facial hair.  and he is keeping it this way for a week!  we went to dinner last night with him like this!  hahaha! how embarrassing?

that's my man dominating at tug of war.

and arm wrestling

and this has to be one of my favorite photos of all time.  the guy in the white with the black mullet wig would be luke, one of the football athletic trainers racing his athlete, one of the running backs on the football team, in the 40 yard dash. hahahaha!  the photo finish was incredibly important as you can see that it was ALMOST a tie.  so close, luke, so close.  luke's response to this loss, "i was racing a ninja, what do you expect"! haha.

i hope this brightens your day.  and contrary to popular belief, i am not the weird one.  the weird one is my husband. gosh, i love him!

ear infection.

i have an ear infection.  it is not pleasant in the least bit.  i've never had one before and i now understand why little kids scream and cry when they get ear infections.  it feels like someone is taking a really sharp pencil/stick/knife and just shoving it into my ear.  i can't hear anything either.  i pity anyone who has ever had an ear infection.


when i woke up this morning, my husband was smiling and said, "good morning beautiful".

lord bless my husband for making him think i look beautiful. ha. this is literally me this morning.

seriously though, my husband is awesome.  he has been helping me an supporting me and taking care of me since i started getting sick last thursday. i freaking love him.  i don't know what i would do without him.

i'm really good at catching people at their best.  this looks like a mug shot.

i have been spending a lot of time reading.  because my ears like the quiet right now.  this is our coffee table right now and it seriously made me laugh.  if someone came over i would be embarrassed.

how many bibles do you see? 4.

we are not holier than thou, believe me.  this sight just made me laugh because this is our life right now.

and i was going to save this for another post, but i'm afraid i'll be in prison....

i opened this box along with TONS of other mail on the day we got home. our neighbor had been hanging onto it because she said it was sitting outside for days.

notice that i opened it upside down.  this is how it was when i opened it.  all packaging from DISH network with nothing in it.  i think someone stole its contents because we were gone for 3 weeks and it sat on our front step for DAYS.

then i started thinking, what in the world?  we  didn't order anything from dish network.  so i turned the box over and to my dismay, this box is for J Martin.  Sorry J Martin, but you put our address and i accidentally opened your mail which is a felony.  it was a complete accident.  and someone stole your stuff.

so the UPS man left a note on our door yesterday wanting to pick up J Martin's box from dish network.  uh-oh. so i am really hoping UPS man understands.  in case i am not home to explain what happened, i left him a note.

does anyone have any experience with accidentally opening someone else's mail?  and what if that person's stuff was stolen before you even opened it? i'm freaking out here!

a. d a n g e r o u s. woman.

Dangerous Women Creed

(source)

Dear God, please make us dangerous women.

May we be women who acknowledge our power to change, and grow,

     and be radically alive for God.

May we be healers of wounds and righters of wrongs.

May we weep with those who weep and speak for those who cannot

    speak for themselves.

May we cherish children, embrace the elderly, and empower the poor.

May we pray deeply and teach wisely.

May we be strong and gentle leaders.

May we sing songs of joy and talk down fear.

May we never hesitate to let passion push us, conviction compel us,

     and righteous anger energize us.

May we strike fear into all that is unjust and evil in the world.

May we dismantle abusive systems and silence lies with truth.

May we shine like stars in a darkened generation.

May we overflow with goodness in the name of God and by the power of Jesus.

And in that name and by that power, may we change the world.

Dear God, please make us dangerous women.

 Amen.

contentment

i am applying for grad school in october.  it is a difficult program to get into.  but Jesus knows whether i will or not.  i am applying to The Ohio State University's Graduate Entry Family Nurse Practitioner Program. There are so many things I want to do with it to make a difference in the world.  more on that later.


i have a lot to do and focus on.  i need to take pharmacology and the GRE and do well on it.  


i started a phlebotomy class (learning to draw blood) this last week.  and after much prayer and discussing with my hubster, we decided it really isn't of benefit or a smart financial choice.  so i dropped out of it.  it feels really good and it's the right choice.  after calling to drop out, i went to cancel the books i ordered and they hadn't been shipped yet, PTL. so it was simple to cancel that.  we were also supposed to pay for that class by today and Paul's school loans to help us live have not come through... so it's a really good thing that i dropped the class because I would not have been able to pay for it anyway.  i don't know if i'm writing this well and you understand, but basically His timing is perfect. and i know it's right.


i've never trusted Jesus like this.  it feels really good.  i don't know what's going on, but He does. i just love spending so much time with Him.  


i had THE worst day of my working experience EVER on Tuesday.  I worked alone with a new pharmacist for the first time.  it was also my first time closing.  i didn't know what i was doing.  the training at Target Pharmacy is awful and useless (or maybe it is just my experience).  it was a mess.  the pharmacist was really mean and short with me at some points.  but i stuck it out.  i wanted to cry and just walk out and leave.  but i didn't.  by His strength, i made it through.  I have no other way to explain it.  i don't know why this is the job he gave me, and why it is so hard.  but it's where i'm supposed to be.  it will look good on my graduate program resume, it's good experience, it pays decently and i'm fully leaning on Him.  I came home and just WEPT all night.  Paul and I prayed and read together.  and i have peace.  it is REALLY hard. but on Monday, i am going back to my job and i'm going to do it all over again.  and i have faith that He will give me strength and get me through it.  I cannot take a breath or go a day at work without His spirit in me.  i'm just leaning on Him and we're just going right along.


i need to go through this.  it's the hardest thing i've ever done.  but we will make it through.  it's so sweet to trust in Him and walk with Him. i have no one else but Him.  no community to walk with, no family here. no close friends.  It's my husband (we are one) and my sweet sweet savior.

(source)

and now i'm sick.  tissues and tea it is.